National American Miss...

So I got a letter from National American Miss to attend "a free and invitation only" open call," meaning you drive all the way out to a city an hour away so they can blab at you about how great the pageant is while "accidentally" forgetting to bluntly mention the costs of enrollment and dresses and outfits and makeup and transportation and all that jazz.

Nevertheless, I doubt I'd even be able to convince my parents to support it even if I wanted to participate with all my heart. I'm not what you would call "popular." I am what you would call "introverted" and "quirky" and "nerdy" and "stressed" and many other adjectives that we've been told to appreciate throughout our lives but always tie to a negative connotation. The idea of this little teapot competing in a beauty pageant is almost as absurd as the idea of Of Mice and Men's "Lennie" making it into Harvard University, granted Lennie was in a position where he could apply to Harvard and all that. Despite my analogy complications, I feel as though you can understand my stance on this issue.

Now I'm not adding any sort of negative connotation to my body, my personality, or what have you. I'm simply stating what I am. Since you cannot see me physically, I find it best to describe myself as a teapot; short and stout. It's true; I'm 5'2" and 180-something pounds of teapot. These pageants are supposed to raise my confidence, but I fear competing against other girls with slim figures and angelic faces will only hinder my confidence. I am certainly not too confident to begin with, but I just fear of accidentally breaking the remains of my already somewhat shattered confidence.

Teapots like cuddling too.

Merry Christmas in February!

I had rehearsal with the Outlook Chorus again yesterday, as I do every Sunday. Back in December, they had a mandatory secret Santa, where you were assigned a girl from the chorus and you had to buy them a present. Thus, I bought a few stereotypical girly items that almost any regular girl would enjoy like makeup and jewelry and all that jazz. Nonetheless, I didn't go to the party at which they shared the gifts because I had pep band, attendance at which is a requirement for my band grade. So I gave the present to Perla, who I knew was going, and left it at that.

Over several rehearsals and 10 weeks later, I finally got my present. It was a box of Mike and Ike's, a box of Skittles, and a $15 iTunes gift card. I didn't find out who had me so I could thank them, but if they ever end up seeing this, thank you. I have a jaw joint disorder so hard candies like Skittles don't always end up to great. Thus, I tried giving the candies to Paige but she didn't like them much either.

My sort-of boyfriend came over to my house after rehearsal. I gave him the candies. Speaking of Christmas in February, Sort-of still forgot to bring my christmas gift. I don't really care, it's just a present, but I think it'd be nice to get my Christmas gift before my birthday in June. Sort-of is a dork. But that's why I love him so much.

Today, I did get my cuddles.

For Laura,

"The earth is full of such beautiful things,

The many seas and arctic auroras,

And yet all of the joy that these things bring,

They can't compare to my darling Laura.

With eyes as serene as the ocean blue,

Time stops when I peer into those sapphires.

There are not diamonds of that perfect hue,

Their luminescent gleam fuels my desires.

Her very presence fills me with content,

Her personality brightens my soul.

My heart races as it knows we were meant,

Never in my life have I felt this whole.

As I explore the feelings within me,

There are no words for how I adore thee.

With love..."

"This could be your year!"

"This could be my year..." Those words traveled endlessly across the land of my mind.

My school's director, Miss Gina, told me "this could be your year. I sincerely believe that you have the talent to become great this year."

It was very exciting to finally qualify for my school's theater. Most of the theater cast was made up of those I call "the favorites." The Favorites are a group of semi-talented to honestly talented kids whose parents went to large extents to "be helpful with the theater." In short, working for the director and bribing them with free labor granted their kids are given primary parts in the school shows. After having battled with these restrictions, it was an extraordinary feeling to know that I had managed to gain a high status in the theater without having to rely on my parents to become slaves to Miss Gina. In a way, I had achieved the theater's American Dream, if you will.

Once I had landed my first named roll in my years of struggling to even get a part whatsoever, I had expected I would get some other role within the theater's next two productions. I mean, I wasn't expecting a part, but I did feel like Miss Gina actually believed I stood a chance. After all, this was supposed to be my year.

"This could be your year*."
*Note: By year, I mean fall show. I mean the next three months, not twelve months.

That's what she meant to say.

I discussed this with her after the parts and leadership for the last show of the year were posted. This was the show we were going to compete with. As I am graduating soon and how we rarely ever compete, I was more than disappointed to know that I had earned nothing in the theater.

It felt as if I had been betrayed. Not merely by Miss Gina, or the favorites, or anyone in particular. It felt as if theater betrayed me. It felt as if the thing I had strived so hard to get finally came into my clutches, but quickly poisoned me and ran away.

I have no spot in the theater now. The parts have been filled; the roles have been cast.

Now what shall I do with the remaining months of nothingness I have set in store?

We'll see, I guess. I just hope there's some cuddling.

So I joined an all girls choir...

Last spring, there was a scholarship audition for this all girls choir, which I have renamed (for the purpose of discrepancy) Outlook Chorus. The scholarship was for the entire tuition and the extra tour held at the end of the year. I got it. I got the full $1300 tuition. So I was definitely in the chorus.

The thought of an all girls choir had me scared out of my piggy slippers (yes, I actually do and have them). At the first few rehearsals, I clung to one of the two girls I knew was going, Perla. She and I have been pretty good friends, but she was easily making friends with many of the altos in her section. I'm a first soprano. I like to think I am far from the typical "soprano bitchy diva."

Paige. That's the name of the girl who first befriended me. She's an extremely tall blonde who spent all her free time doing sports. I'm still confused as to why she wished to become my nerdy, overachieving, dorky self. Nevertheless, I felt a nervousness and awkwardness arise from looking and talking to her. I don't understand why, but for some strange reason, if I ever were to kiss a girl, I think I'd like it to be Paige.

As time continued, I gained other friends like Savanah, Allie, and Lena. They're all really skinny and cute and surprisingly friendly to me. Just at rehearsal today, Lena turned around and said, "we should have a sleepover" and pointed to the four of us. I'd love to have a sleepover with them. I mean, I'd be nervous that my awkwardness would rise from the ground and push them away from me, but I'd love to try it. I'm not usually invited to those sorts of social outings. 

But for now, I'd just like to cuddle.

So I went back to my old middle school...

A boy scout friend of mine was selling tickets for a pancake breakfast fundraiser that happened to be at my old middle school. It was only until I had already arrived the day of the breakfast that it occurred to me that there would likely people from my middle school there.

I was going with my sort-of boyfriend, who I’ll likely post a story of why he’s a sort-of instead of a boyfriend, as well as two of my other dear friends. When we first arrived there, it was just me and Sort-of. I saw one of the girls I used to be the lunch buddy of when she was in 3rd grade and I was in 7th grade. It’s been so long that she’s nearly my height now. I kept walking in the line to get my food. We ran into another friend named Eric, and we went to sit down with him.

I looked up from my pancakes and saw him. Henry. My first crush. The guy who saw me when I thought I was nearly invisible. The guy who grew to desire to be popular. The guy who ignored me in high school. The guy who tried to get me back. The guy who told me he loved me. The guy who I spent months dreaming of hugging and holding. The guy who I danced with over 14 times at the middle school dance. Middle school. Where I was.

He glared at me. He didn’t want to see me. He sat back down with Lehannah, the asian girl who was my best friend in middle school, and then joined the bullies who made fun of me until I transferred to Henry’s school. The school that I’m eating breakfast in now. Henry and Lehannah have been dating for over a year as of January 4th. I know more that is mentally healthy to know in regards to their relationship. I still miss him at times. Then he makes fun of me and ignores me in AP Chemistry and I remember why I don’t miss him as much.

I went to get orange juice. I was waiting in line when Henry passed me. He glared at me again. I stayed quiet. I knew he didn’t want to talk to me, but I just wanted my orange juice. He stood there looking at the ground next to the orange juice containers. I didn’t want to ask him for orange juice. He got a guy who was busy refilling the machines to give me my glass of juice, despite Henry being an eagle scout who was supposed to be working. Henry has grown into a big butt.

I went back to the table. I passed Lehannah and she glared at me. Their families were eating together. It still hurts to see them. No one expected them to be together for so long. They’ve lost almost all the friends they had before the relationship. Once they’re done, they won’t have too many friends to turn to. They left them all to be together.

I ignored them until at least Lehannah and her mother left. Henry was still around but he only gave me glares. I just accepted this defeat. He’s not going to talk to me again. I wrote him a letter. I was really upset one night a while ago. I stayed up for hours crying and writing out my feelings in a letter to him while listening to Pink’s “Why Did I Ever Like You?” Maybe I’ll share it here. I’ve shared it with a few of my friends. It’s not the happiest thing I’ve ever written. I’ve debated on sharing it with him. I dunno, I guess we’ll see if a good time comes.

I just want some cuddles now.

I should probably tell you a bit about me...

Hello!

My name is Laura. I’m sort of a hodgepodge of your typical adolescent females. I enjoy writing poetry and stories about my experiences. I love playing video games – some of my favorites include Portal, Minecraft, The Walking Dead, Heavy Rain, and many, many more. I adore anime and I’d love to cosplay if I had enough talent to make a costume worthy of emulating anything. Some of my favorite classes include Chemistry, Choir, Band, Psychology, English… my hobbies range a great deal. My high school extracurricular activities: Speech Team (Dramatic Interpretation, Humorous Duet Acting, Dramatic Duet Acting,  Special Occasion Speaking, Improvisational Duet Acting, and Original Oratory), Theater (my favorite character I’ve portrayed is Cinderella from Into the Woods, Construction Crew, Improvisation Team, Science Olympiad (despite not being very good), Math Team (also despite my not being very good), Philosophy Club, Theater Student Leadership (Assistant Stage Manager), Civitas, Honors World Language Society, National Honors Society, National English Honors Society, Math Honors Society, Mindprints (School Arts Magazine), Tri-M, and probably one or two other things I missed mentioning. You should hopefully get the picture by now.

My family is very small – I have one younger brother and my two parents. I grew up in a small Midwestern suburb where even people who lived 20 minutes away had no idea where the town was. My favorite childhood movie was Mary Poppins. To this day, I will never tire of that movie. Not to mention I was in love with Bert, who is played by Dick Van Dyke, who, on his show, The Dick Van Dyke Show, is married to a girl named Laura who loves to dance. Coincidence? Probably. Some other favorites of my childhood were Barney, Veggietales, Codename: Kids Next Door, Teen Titans – most of these I still watch to this day.

To be quite honest, I have absolutely no idea why I am doing this. I don’t have any idea what kind of effect this will have on me in the future. I may end up being very in depth with this blog, or this might be another thing like my Glee fanfictions where it just kind of disappears after a while, when I get preoccupied with something else. In short, I have no idea what is to become of this. All I know is this is my story, and hopefully you’ll enjoy reading about it.

But overall, I really do just want to cuddle.